Of Questioning and Rubber Ducks
by Moonprincess92
Summary: In which Voldemort’s lifestyle is seriously questioned, and Hermione regrets ever opening the window. :Oneshot Not to be taken seriously Implied RHr HG and others postDH:


**DISCLAIMER: **Still don't own HP.

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Of Questioning and Rubber Ducks.

Blurb …

In which Voldemort's lifestyle is seriously questioned, and Hermione regrets ever opening the window. :Oneshot Not to be taken seriously Implied RHr HG and others postDH:

**Warning:** This story is honestly not meant to be taken seriously. Contains some rather weird conversations between the Weasley brothers.

...

Oh c'mon, like you've never wondered about it.

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There were some things that are never to be spoken about.

For instance, Lavender Brown. Hermione knew that whenever she was brought up in a subject around Ron, it'd change pretty quickly. Not because they disliked her, but because she seemed to drag up a lot of bad memories.

Or the war. No one of the Weasley family is to talk about the war.

Or what George and that muggle girl _really_ did at the Christmas party of 2000.

Nearly all of these things didn't need to be explained. Hermione figured that everyone would've been smart enough never to mention them again. Only the unspoken rule of not talking about them, seems to be blasted apart by the Cruciatus curse every time George decided to crack open the firewhisky.

_It's not like they're _drunk_, to be exact_ … Hermione thought, watching the Weasley men out in the garden. _More … tipsy_.

If she opened the window a tiny crack, she might be able to hear what they were saying …

Hermione edged open the window a tiny bit and caught the first sentence:

"… Voldemort a virgin?"

There was a pause outside, before the Weasley's all burst into peels of laughter.

She slammed the window shut again.

Hermione was shocked, to say the least. Shocked, and pretty horrified. She overheard some pretty ridiculous conversations, but this … this took the cake. She wasn't quite sure _how _much they'd had to drink, but it must've been a lot more than she originally thought. Or maybe is _was _only a little-as it turns out, Ron didn't tolerate alcohol very well and could be completely gone after two bottles of firewhisky.

Harry on the other hand, was a very amusing drunk. He liked to talk. A lot. More or less, he was more curious than an average four-year-old. Hermione guessed it was Harry who asked the "Virgin Voldemort" question, and she nearly vomited in her mouth, just thinking about it.

Trying to pull her thoughts _away _from Voldemort's chastity, Hermione quickly called for Ginny.

"Ginny, do you want to know what your husbands talking about right now?" Hermione asked her once she appeared form the bottom of the staircase. Half of her wished she say no, if not for her own sake.

Ginny glanced outside in the garden and gave a tentative grin. "Er, if there's firewhisky out there, then I probably don't. You know what Harry's like. But go on then."

Hermione sighed and opened the window.

"… Mate, can you _imagine_ that? Voldemort going at it like some magically modified rabbit?"

"Holy bloody Merlin." Ginny said, shaking her head slightly as Hermione closed the window quickly (again). "That was _not _what I expected to hear."

"Me either …" Hermione said, glancing out the window again. The Weasley men were laughing again.

Ginny was looking sheepish. "Hermione … you don't think …?"

Hermione shook her head. There were some things in life that you don't ever say out loud, and your views on whether Voldemort had been a _virgin_, was _clearly_ not one of them.

Unfortunately, there were also some things that Hermione just couldn't imagine on a person like Voldemort. And now that the men had mentioned it … it was enough to make her blush.

Glancing back at Ginny, she saw her staring intently out the window.

"Listen?" Hermione asked.

"Hell, yeah." Ginny answered, and they both flung open the window.

"… Death Eaters as his sex slaves!" Came the voice of Ron and Hermione suppressed a groan as the men laughed. Ginny sniggered and Hermione elbowed her in the ribs.

"I always knew Bellatrix had a thing for him!" Bill could be heard saying. "I guess it's a good thing mum killed her-they can be together in the afterlife."

"But do you reckon they ever actually … y'know … _did_ it?" Percy's voice asked, sounding unsure. There was silence before Charlie cut in.

"No way. Did you _see _him during the battle, Perce? He was insane. No guy like that would ever have had sex."

"I don't think he was that interested, to be honest." Harry added.

"What? D'you think he batted for the other team?" George asked. Hermione recognised her husbands laugh and a distinct "Ouch!" as someone was hit with a firewhisky bottle.

"Nah, I mean he _wasn't interested_." Harry repeated with emphasis. "He probably didn't want sex at _all_. Too interested in conquering the world, and crap like that."

"Y'know, he probably wouldn't have been that bad if he'd gotten at least a _little_ something." George said, trying to stifle laughter. "Maybe then he could be considered a _proper_ man!"

As the Weasley men burst into hysterics, Hermione exchanged a look with Ginny.

"Good Grief." She said. "Did they seriously just have a conversation about whether You-Know-Who's ever had …?"

Hermione, stunned herself, nodded. "I think they did … that's a little disturbing, to say the least. Merlin, I'm glad I'm not out there. It's bad enough just listening to it. I really don't want to see the hand gestures."

She and Ginny looked at each other before both shivering and turning back to the conversation outside.

"But Voldemort's still a person." Harry was saying. This could only lead to one thing. "Can you imagine him ever … doing something even faintly normal? Like having a shower or something?"

"For heavens sake …" Hermione heard Ginny mutter.

"You-Know-Who?" Bill laughed. "Having a shower?!"

"I don't think Voldemort was ever into personal hygiene." Charlie agreed.

"Seriously, guys." Harry urged. "He was a person like everyone else! Even _you_ would feel disgusting if you never had a shower!"

"Angelina would probably kick me out of the house." George agreed morosely.

"Exactly! So why wouldn't Voldemort have a shower?"

"Er … because that'd involve him being venerable and without a wand?" Ron put in helpfully.

"Yeah, not of mention _naked_!" Charlie burst out, and the men were drowned in laughter again. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Can you imagine Voldemort in a shower cap?!" Bill yelled.

"Why would he? He was bald, wasn't he?" Percy asked.

"Yeah, yeah!" Harry was saying excitedly, forgetting all about logic. Though of course logic had obviously gotten lost on its way to this conversation. "Voldemort in a shower cap, playing with his rubber ducky!"

There was silence before the loudest bout of laughter yet struck the night air.

"_Mate_!" George managed to choke out. "D'you realise how _suggestive_ that comment was?!"

_Of course sex is all a man can think about_ … Hermione thought.

"Voldemort and his rubber ducky!" Charlie howled, while Percy's laughter came in the background.

"Maybe that's why Voldemort never had sex!" Ron piped up. "He had _himself_ to play with!"

_Oh for the love of Merlin. _

"You married him." Ginny reminded her, her face still pressed up against the window.

"Mate, you're right!" Bill said.

"Voldemort: King of masturbating!"

"I can imagine it now!" Percy cried. He imitated some gravelly voice Hermione assumed was supposed to be Voldemort's. "'_Why hello Mr Ducky, how nice it is to see you here … in this shower …_'"

"'_Why yes, Mr Ducky_'!" Charlie joined in. "'_I'd be happy to play with you_'!"

"'_Oh yes Mr Ducky_!'." George yelled. He made a squeaking sound him his mouth and Hermione could only easily imagine George sitting there with his hands outstretched, pretending to hold a rubber duck. "'_I hear you Mr Ducky_!'!"

The men made more squeaking sounds.

"'_Yes, Mr Ducky_!'!"

"'_That's great, Mr Ducky_!'!"

Charlie cut in with his own part. He made sound that sounded like a dying cat. "'_Oh no … Mr Ducky_?'"

"'_MR DUCKY_!'!" Ron shouted and Hermione nearly groaned out loud.

"'_Mr Ducky, stay with me_!'!" Harry yelled.

Charlie made a final dying cat/dying rubber duck sound. "'_Mr … Mr Ducky? Well you're crap-AVADA KEDAVRA_!'!"

Hermione was more shocked at hearing her favourite people in the world imagining Voldemort masturbating with a rubber duck, rather than hearing Charlie yell the killing curse. She could almost see the silly hand gestures, with thankfully no wand in sight.

"They must've had more to drink than I thought." Ginny muttered, shaking her head.

"D'you reckon it's time to intervene?" Hermione asked. "It's nearly two in the morning …"

Ginny shook her head. "As disturbing as this is, I'm rather curious as to what they think of next."

For some reason, Hermione was too.

"Anything in the bathroom would be so abnormal." Percy was saying.

"So Voldemort can't even pee?" Bill asked.

"Can _you _imagine Voldemort peeing, Bill?"

There was a small silence in which Hermione guessed Bill shuddered.

"Unfortunately."

"But surely Voldemort must've gone to pee?" Harry asked. "Everyone's got to … unless he figured out some spell that allows a person's bladder to magically empty without pissing yourself."

"That'd be a highly useful spell …"

"So wait." Percy's voice came. "Voldemort wouldn't use the bathroom … at all? No showers, no peeing … didn't he even brush his teeth?"

"Only Pansy's brush their teeth, Perce!" George's loud voice came and there came a yelp as George no doubt thumped Percy on the back.

"Ew …" Ginny muttered. "I feel sorry for Angelina."

Hermione agreed.

"So basically … Voldemort was a complete nutcase who's never slept with someone before?" Bill confirmed.

"More or less." Harry answered. "I wonder if he ever _had_ a girlfriend … ever."

There came more laughter. "We just established that Voldemort probably never had sex before-I seriously doubt he ever had a girlfriend, Harry." Ron said.

"Maybe if he did, he wouldn't have been so crazy." Percy said thoughtfully.

"Like any girl would want to sleep with him." Charlie said, sounding disgusted. "He probably never was right in the head. Makes you wonder what his family was like."

"You seriously don't want to know that." Harry advised.

Ginny gave Hermione a questioning look. Hermione shuddered.

"Seriously, Harry's right about this one." She answered. Ginny nodded.

"For a change." She added.

"… but what would Voldemort have done all day?" Harry asked. Hermione wondered if the questions would ever stop. "He wasn't trying to kill me _every_ hour-he must've done _something_ to kill time …"

"He was masturbating with Mr Ducky!"

More laughter. _For Gods sake … _

"Seriously, though! What the hell would Voldemort _do_?"

There was silence as the Weasley men considered this.

"Er …"

"Dunno."

"Kill people?"

"I know!" George said excitedly. "Maybe he was just being all brooding and moody, sitting in a dark room, staring at the wall until inspiration hit him. Y'know, like Ron whenever he's forced away from Hermione."

"Hey!"

Hermione felt a surge of pride when she heard the unmistakeable _thunk_ of a bottle hitting someone.

"I doubt Voldemort was one for wizard angst …"

"Please, the guy was all about the angst." Harry said. Hermione could imagine him throwing his arms up in exasperation. "The first things he'd say to me were along the lines of 'I'm going to kill you, Harry Potter!'. That's not the words of a happy person."

The Weasley men seemed to think for a moment.

"True …" Bill said.

"I can't think of anything … pass another bottle."

As the chinks of new bottles being passed around filled the garden, Hermione straightened up from where her ear had been pressed against the window and exchanged a disgusted look with Ginny.

"As … enlightening as this conversation's been, I think it might be time to stop the wayward minds of the Weasley men." Hermione said.

Ginny nodded her head, glancing outside, perplexed. "I think I've heard enough to potentially scar me for life."

Just before Hermione opened the door, Ginny put a hand on her shoulder to stop her.

"What?" Hermione asked. Ginny looked rather … sheepish? She looked at the floor, and refused to meet her eyes.

"Hermione … d'you … d'_you_ think You-Know-Who was a virgin?"

_This is going to be a long night_.

-Fin.

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A/N: Well i'm a little shocked. To say the least.

This is definately ... different to what i normally write (_You can say that again_, i'm hearing the fanficers say) and i'm honestly amazed i even wrote it, let alone posting it. And a fanfic rated T to boot. But what the heck? I'm pretty sure that i'm not the only one who's ever wondered if Voldemort's ever delved into the necessities of human life.

Remember, this is all for fun. I don't actually consider any of this to be true. God help us all if it was.

Either way, I hope you liked it, reviews always appreicated, until next time-

-Moon. : D


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